Jokes

President Obama called Kevin Rudd with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Obama, the Australian people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Obama. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Rudd.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Obama.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"
"No problem," replied Rudd and, with that, hung up and called the President of Slide. "I need a favor....you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to America."
"Consider it done," said the President of Slide.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the Prime Minister, "print 'MADE IN AUSTRALIA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: 'Olympic Condoms.' Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
'Olympic condoms?' she blurts. 'What makes them so special? '
'They're in three colors,' he replies, 'gold, silver, and bronze.'
'What color are you planning on wearing tonight?' she asks cheekily.
'Why, gold, of course,' says the man proudly.
'Really?' she responds. 'Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change.'

Q. What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A. They're both filled with stiffs - except one's coming and one's going.

A boy goes to the drugstore with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: Dad, why do they sell single condoms?
Dad: Those are for high school kids on Friday nights.
Boy: So, why do they make packs of three?
Dad: Those are for the college kids for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.
Boy: Then why do they make packs of 12?
Dad: Those are for married couples - you know, January, February, March...

Q. How can you tell if a blonde was trying to drive stick?
A. There's a condom on the gear shift.

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong.
"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."
"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.
So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.
"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"
The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse - what more do you want?"

Q. What do you call 365 condoms rolled into 1?
A. A Good Year

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello,
Could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I
think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out;
He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's
sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me
and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he
Turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
The sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your
kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more
surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were
So religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

Q. What do you call grit in a condom?
A. An organ grinder.